holy friend
March 25, 2022 — When my Grammy was passing (2005), I went to see her and say my goodbye. We talked briefly and she seemed happy to see me but I wasn't sure she recognized me. Easily justified since I am one of like 36 grandchildren. I dawdled a bit, unsure of what to say, how to say it, when it was acceptable to actually say goodbye. This was the first time I’d ever done this. Knowingly having a final interaction with a person. That’s a strange idea and looking back, how could anyone know what to do or say or feel?
I made my way home and shortly after, one of my aunts called (I can't remember who, maybe Aunt Maureen) to let me know that after I left, Grammy could not shut up about my friend. I remember hearing how happy Grammy was for me to have such a nice friend by my side. I could hear the joy in my Aunt’s voice, which made me happy despite being coupled with some confusion. I was entirely alone with my Grammy as I said goodbye.
There's an idea in Irish culture that, when a person is close to death, "the veil between this world and the eternal world is very thin. And in some cases, the veil is actually removed for a moment."* So the thought that my Grammy saw my guardian angel with me when I was quite alone was one I accepted immediately and continues to be a massive comfort to me.
Exactly one year ago, March 25, 2021, I awoke from a nap with this memory and a melody in my head. I must have been dreaming about the memory because while it’s always stayed with me, it was vividly in the room as I came to. I groggily grabbed my guitar and phone (for voice memos) and stumbled line by line, chord by chord through what is now holy friend. It is the purest songwriting moment I’ve had and another petal on the flower of one of my favorite memories.
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Technical notes: I recorded this song in mid-side, my first ever release to try that. If that means nothing to you, that’s OK. Just a note that I was curious to try it out, and to have a song feel so good to me while trying something new from the recording angle just iced the cake.
A special thank you to Justin Roberts and Dan Steinman. Both were so sincere in their appreciation for the song when I shared it last year as a demo that I, normally very good at deflecting compliments, couldn’t be stout enough to keep their words from sinking in. Justin in particular was adamant that while I labeled it as a demo, the song was perfect as-is, hesitations and all. Both these guys have given me beautiful moments of momentum, fun, favors, et cetera, and at this particular moment, I’m reminded of the power of friends like that. Thank you both.
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*Quote from the book Anam Cara by John O’Donohue. This book has been an immense comfort to me at various times in my life. It is one of those that will stay on my shelf for the rest of my life, and will disintegrate from use before ever being discarded by choice.